It's Not Procrastinating If You're Making An American Gladiator Course

 People say, if you remember the 60’s you weren’t really there, if you don’t remember the show “American Gladiators” your existence in the 90’s is questioned. One of the best shows for its sheer barbaric nature, American Gladiators is a classic. This is one of the few programs that can be replicated in the comfort of your home, granted you have nothing made of glass and you are willing to convert your living room into a pillow factory- never the less, it can be done. Here are some tips to bring one of the handful of shows Fox created and was actually a hit to life:

• Cover everything you have in a soft, plush material. Safety first, we don’t want your brains on the coffee table to be the reason why the game ends before the “Eliminator Round”.
• Find your strongest friends and then give them awesome nicknames. The original show had buff dudes name “Nitro” and scary chicks called “Storm”, I’m sorry but “Nick” is just not gonna cut it.
•  Make difficult obstacles. In 1989 an average person was put on a platform and had to beat a 220 pound steroid machine with a giant Q-Tip until one of them plummeted 40 feet. Your obstacles don’t need to be as bad ass but make it worth putting off studying for Western Civ. one more night.
•  If you can’t create a unique course, don’t hesitate to use the original. About.com has gone into great detail to document the original show’s course here http://gameshows.about.com/od/americangladiators/tp/American-Gladiators-Challenges.htm  It was a pretty sweet course, if you think you're too tough for an event called "The Gauntlet" I wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley. 
• Have someone narrate. This is isn't the most important step in the process but if you have a wimpy friend who doesn't want to be left out, they could be a perfect fit.

Here are some pictures and a video to help jog your memory and aid you in building the Gladiator course of your dreams (mullets included). 

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“Become a YouTube Sensation, Procrastinate With 11 Million Viewers Watching”

If you’re a looser and both you’re friends are busy tonight, don’t crack open the Calc book – become a YouTube sensation. Our parents used to get the same satisfaction from starting a band, they’re idea of social media was playing a Led Zeppelin cover loud enough so the neighbors could hear it but times have changed. It doesn’t take much to be on Leno these days, in fact talent isn’t even required- just ask Rebecca Black. Here are some tips to help make you get on YouTube’s “Most Viewed Today” section.

• Be yourself. Even if yourself makes others delete your number, the world comprised of “like” and “dislike” is not looking for Brad Pitt, they want Brad Hill the short curly haired kid with the glasses that sings funny.

•  Use your technological abilities to the best of your potential. If you’ve subscribed to “Computer World” for 10 years this is the time to take all those dumb skills you developed instead of going outside and use them. Graphics, animation, voice dubbing, you have no clue how funny all that uncool stuff seems to people who aren’t smart enough to learn it themselves.

•  Be a critic. Everybody in 2011 is an authority on something. I’m an authority on trying to do nothing. Find what you know and make people believe you, just think of it this way- Perez Hilton is now a celebrity and you believe it.

• Push the envelope. Most YouTube sensations are shy people who have big ideas but can’t express them because of their innate inhibitions. Don’t worry about what people are going to say or think, do what you want and laugh all the way to bank as you cashing you AdWords revenue check for 10 grand.

Here are some YouTube sensations from the past 6 months to inspire you and to anyone who tries to make fun of your new attempt at fame I have two words that would offend anyone- BIEBER FEVER.

 

Create your Own Language, Procrastinate In Tongues

If or when you ever someday procreate small procrastinators, don’t do that thing that Dr. Spok parents do when they don’t want their kids to understand what they’re saying, spell the words out. “I think it’s time for Billy’s N-A-P”, when I was a kid nothing motivated me more to learn how to read than the thought that I could decode my mother’s cryptic messages. The first time I busted the jig wide open it made me prouder than any grade I ever got in school, however I had other options besides phonics- I could have invented my own language.

There are so many advantages that come with being your own Webster it’s hard to identify them all. The girl who sits in front of you in your Philosophy class who gives you dirty looks, now you can call her some colorful names while she’s 6 inches away. You want to leave the girl your friend setup you up with that has a face like golden retriever, tell your buddy without hurting her feelings. People will think you will brilliant and you will take credit at every opportunity possible. If your language sounds cool enough it may catch on, you could be creating the next Pig Latin.

Here is a website that gives an outline for creating a language that is both fun and intricate in order for it to be spoken for hundreds of years to come. So wait to pay those bills until you figured out a word for “fun” in Britzzanese.

http://www.zompist.com/kit.html

 

If they could do it, you have no excuse. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JmA2ClUvUY&feature=player_embedded#at=44