Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's Not Procrastinating If You're Making An American Gladiator Course

 People say, if you remember the 60’s you weren’t really there, if you don’t remember the show “American Gladiators” your existence in the 90’s is questioned. One of the best shows for its sheer barbaric nature, American Gladiators is a classic. This is one of the few programs that can be replicated in the comfort of your home, granted you have nothing made of glass and you are willing to convert your living room into a pillow factory- never the less, it can be done. Here are some tips to bring one of the handful of shows Fox created and was actually a hit to life:
  • Cover everything you have in a soft, plush material. Safety first, we don’t want your brains on the coffee table to be the reason why the game ends before the “Eliminator Round”.
  • Find your strongest friends and then give them awesome nicknames. The original show had buff dudes name “Nitro” and scary chicks called “Storm”, I’m sorry but “Nick” is just not gonna cut it.
  •  Make difficult obstacles. In 1989 an average person was put on a platform and had to beat a 220 pound steroid machine with a giant Q-Tip until one of them plummeted 40 feet. Your obstacles don’t need to be as bad ass but make it worth putting off studying for Western Civ. one more night.
  •  If you can’t create a unique course, don’t hesitate to use the original. About.com has gone into great detail to document the original show’s course here http://gameshows.about.com/od/americangladiators/tp/American-Gladiators-Challenges.htm  It was a pretty sweet course, if you think you're too tough for an event called "The Gauntlet" I wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley. 
  • Have someone narrate. This is isn't the most important step in the process but if you have a wimpy friend who doesn't want to be left out, they could be a perfect fit.
Here are some pictures and a video to help jog your memory and aid you in building the Gladiator course of your dreams (mullets included). 


Sunday, April 24, 2011

“Become a YouTube Sensation, Procrastinate With 11 Million Viewers Watching”

If you’re a looser and both you’re friends are busy tonight, don’t crack open the Calc book – become a YouTube sensation. Our parents used to get the same satisfaction from starting a band, they’re idea of social media was playing a Led Zeppelin cover loud enough so the neighbors could hear it but times have changed. It doesn’t take much to be on Leno these days, in fact talent isn’t even required- just ask Rebecca Black. Here are some tips to help make you get on YouTube’s “Most Viewed Today” section.
  • Be yourself. Even if yourself makes others delete your number, the world comprised of “like” and “dislike” is not looking for Brad Pitt, they want Brad Hill the short curly haired kid with the glasses that sings funny.
  •  Use your technological abilities to the best of your potential. If you’ve subscribed to “Computer World” for 10 years this is the time to take all those dumb skills you developed instead of going outside and use them. Graphics, animation, voice dubbing, you have no clue how funny all that uncool stuff seems to people who aren’t smart enough to learn it themselves.
  •  Be a critic. Everybody in 2011 is an authority on something. I’m an authority on trying to do nothing. Find what you know and make people believe you, just think of it this way- Perez Hilton is now a celebrity and you believe it.
  • Push the envelope. Most YouTube sensations are shy people who have big ideas but can’t express them because of their innate inhibitions. Don’t worry about what people are going to say or think, do what you want and laugh all the way to bank as you cashing you AdWords revenue check for 10 grand.
Here are some YouTube sensations from the past 6 months to inspire you and to anyone who tries to make fun of your new attempt at fame I have two words that would offend anyone- BIEBER FEVER.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Create your Own Language, Procrastinate In Tongues

If or when you ever someday procreate small procrastinators, don’t do that thing that Dr. Spok parents do when they don’t want their kids to understand what they’re saying, spell the words out. “I think it’s time for Billy’s N-A-P”, when I was a kid nothing motivated me more to learn how to read than the thought that I could decode my mother’s cryptic messages. The first time I busted the jig wide open it made me prouder than any grade I ever got in school, however I had other options besides phonics- I could have invented my own language.

There are so many advantages that come with being your own Webster it’s hard to identify them all. The girl who sits in front of you in your Philosophy class who gives you dirty looks, now you can call her some colorful names while she’s 6 inches away. You want to leave the girl your friend setup you up with that has a face like golden retriever, tell your buddy without hurting her feelings. People will think you will brilliant and you will take credit at every opportunity possible. If your language sounds cool enough it may catch on, you could be creating the next Pig Latin.

Here is a website that gives an outline for creating a language that is both fun and intricate in order for it to be spoken for hundreds of years to come. So wait to pay those bills until you figured out a word for “fun” in Britzzanese.

If they could do it, you have no excuse. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Recycle, Reuse, Procrastinate

Whatever form of creationism you chose to believe, it cannot be argued if you’re on BlogSpot right now you’re alive somewhere on planet earth. It seems the new trend to be eco –friendly and to decrease your carbon foot print is the new “Can you believe the Knicks last night?” in most hipster circles. If you’re one of those people who refuses to engage in activities based on the simple premise that “everyone else is doing it”, take a look around and be grateful that the planet you’re sitting on has given you such magnificent things as Snapple (made from the best stuff on earth) and the ingredients for the $12 salad you paid for last night at Applebee’s- so take care of it.

 In light of the contributions Mother Nature has provided you with and asks for nothing in return, take your excessive amount of wasted time and make some reusable everyday items. You don’t have to be an interior designer, an architect, frankly you don’t even need to have the slightest shred of style- all you need is the creativity of your mind and the massive amounts of cluttering waste that you have accumulated over your commercial consumer driven buying lifetime (okay, okay enough of the hipster guilt). Here are some great examples of people who put their time to better use by creating some reusable everyday items that would make Mother Nature so thrilled she would buy you and your friends a round of Patron shots, in reusable shot glasses of course.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Make A Friend At A Toll Booth, The Confessions of A Traveling Procrastinator

There are certain man made inventions that I will never support based purely on principal. MP3 players make it so a person never truly knows what artists they love because they have 2,000 songs on shuffle, self check outs take jobs away from workers since people are not patient enough to wait for an employee to swipe their can of creamed corn, and the E-Z Pass eliminates human contact all together turning people into cyborgs with no sense of common courtesy. Toll booths have this air of romance about them that can’t exactly be articulated, you speed through, smile, and if life hasn’t jaded you completely you tell them to have a nice day. If you’re trolling the internet for your future mate, you may have already handed them a folded dollar bill and never even looked up. In an effort to put off the thing that really isn’t that hard to do in the first place but you’ve built it up so much in your mind, you would rather be in a traumatic car accident so you could suffer a head injury and hope for short term memory loss- make a friend at a toll booth. Maybe learn their name, a simple “have a lovely day”, or if there isn’t a lot of traffic get their number.

This applies to both men and women- if you can get a person’s number at a toll booth; you have mastered the highest level of pickups and you deserve to have a statue erected in your honor.

GENTLEMAN- If you are speeding through a narrow garden State Parkway lane and have the ability with your pure charm alone to persuade the opposite sex into providing you with her cellular phone number, you deserve to brag to your friends. You should brag until they get the number of their favorite centerfold because in essence the tasks are equally as challenging, except you’re breathing in a little more carbon monoxide.

LADIES- If you find yourself being asked for your phone number in an average situation, you normally shrug and wish the person would find another victim to verbally harass but let’s look at the context more closely. The person must have seen the sides of at least 5,000 women’s heads in that day alone and yours for whatever reason stood out. You are a rare and delicate jewel, be proud and return your    E-Z Pass immediately.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Build A Tree House, Procrastinate At Higher Altitudes

I was never a very jealous child, I shared my toys and took turns on the merry-go-round but nothing sent me into more envious rage then when I saw a kid with a tree house. When you’re a kid you have little independence, your room is your palace, office, and innersactum. I could never wrap my mind around having a space to call my own where nobody could tell me what to do, even if it was located roughly 15 feet from my house and the walls were made out of bark, the concept was still amazing. So if you’re putting off whatever is your supposed to be doing, now that you’re a little bit older, try capturing back some of the youthful desires you had when you thought you’re third grade teacher was  the meanest possible human alive. Here is a website which provides all the instructions for proper tree house building, whether boys or girls are allowed is at your own discretion.

I cannot stress enough the importance of safety. If you did this project when you were nine like those kids in the ABC sitcoms you would have your dad handling all the logistics and you would be focusing on the bonding process while your mother served you peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. What those shows conveniently left out, is wood and bolts without proper support 30 feet in the air, inside of a tree can result in you becoming the leading story on your local news station.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Start Your Own Reality Show- Procrastinator Tested, “Situation” Approved

It’s 10 o’clock on a Thursday night, even though you told you friends you needed to spend the night in to finish an Art History paper, your words reek of deception. You pull down the shades, put your phone on silent, turn off your lights, and let the overwhelming strong grip of your addiction dictate another night of solitude, just as you come terms with your loss of control- you get the gratification that has made you come back so many lonely nights- “I’m going to the Jersey Shore Bitch!”

Admitting you love reality television is the equivalent to saying you have absolutely no brain cells. Once you disclose that Keeping Up with the Kardashians  is your favorite show, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Supreme Court Judge or Ke$ha, you lost all the credibility you may have once had. While there are legions of judgmental people who are getting nosebleeds from standing on their moral high ground, shaking their heads complaining that “television today just isn’t what it used to be”, you have to keep in mind people like this have always existed. I bet when Gilligan’s Island first came out, there was somebody’s disapproving dad complaining “What’s wrong with the world these days? People on an island, remember the good of days of I Love Lucy, kids today” The point it is that you can never satisfy everyone, if you can’t beat them you might as well join them. So start your own reality show, it’s easy because all you have to do is be yourself and if you can’t do that then you should really allocate this time to finding a personality. If MTV has taught us anything (besides that teen pregnancy is 100% preventable) it’s that regular people can get paid a lot of money for acting like they do every day (see the Real World). Here are some pointers to help you get yourself followed by a camera crew:

  • Accentuate What Makes You Special- There are a million girls who get drunk and sleep with strangers but what made Snooki a household name? To be honest, I’m still not completely sure but if I had to guess it would be a combination of a lot of factors- an interesting hair style, a humorous outlook on life, and most importantly a catchy a nickname. Take a good look at yourself, what makes people want to be your friend, find that quality and take it to the next level.
  • Find Co-Stars- Every great reality show has a supporting cast who holds their hair back when they throw up. The Hills would have been just a bunch a rich girls eating salads with low-fat dressing if it were not for the beyond self involved antics of Heidi and Spencer. Find people who complement your personality, ultimately others who bring out the best in you and aren’t afraid to let you have some of the spotlight as well.
  • Have a Theme- Sure it may have sounded absurd at first when producers threw around the concept for Survivor. So let me get this straight people are going to live on an island without food, shelter, or any basic necessities then they’re going to systematically vote themselves off and get absolutely nothing in return, oh and they’re going to volunteer for this ? When it comes to reality show the more absurd the better. It may be an idea you and your friends always wanted to do but never thought anybody would care about, well its 2011 and the world will watch 30 seemingly sophisticated women publicly go on dates with one guy and hysterically cry when they don’t receive “the final rose”.  If you film it, they will watch.
  • Don’t Hold Back-. Today more than every people can tell when someone is being fake; it stands out more than Pauly D’s blowout. There’s a reason the genre is called Reality Television, if you want to be calm and composed I suggest you audition for Grey’s Anatomy. The general rule is, the more tears the higher the ratings. You should cry and you should do it often. People want to empathize with you, that’s why they started watching, so don’t be afraid to let the water works flow people will only like you more.

At the end of day you can either stay in your room in the dark pretending to write a nonexistent paper or you could make use of whatever shred of talent you do have and turn it into a television phenomenon. Lift your shirt, live on a island, or you could just live in the “Real World”, whatever it is I’m sure you’ll be successful at it and I’m even more certain you’ll kill some time before you have to be in class.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Find an Old Friend on Facebook- They’re Probably Trying To Avoid Something Too

Every time I see a pair of those miniature scissors that we used when were kids, two ideas cross my mind. One- I can’t believe my hands were ever small enough to fit in those holes and two- I wonder what happened to all my elementary school friends. People throw the word “stalker” a lot around lately and I personally don’t believe there can be such a thing as a stalker in a generation where what I had breakfast is considered “news feed”. My biggest fear is not spiders, heights, or even death, but that there will be an app. invented for Facebook that traces how many times I viewed a person’s profile. So instead of using the time to check up on old boyfriends and their new girlfriends who aren’t half as attractive as you, find some of the friends you had when you were 8 when times were much simpler. Maybe one of you moved or you had a fight but I can almost guarantee time has healed the wound left by you stealing her Barbie lunchbox (even though you swear you didn’t do it). Here are some tips that I have learned that can track just about anybody down:
  • Use groups. People are nostalgic for old times and often join groups based on the schools or activities they were in. It may seem utterly crazy that someone would want to relive their girl scout troop years but there are groups out there, and pictures of the awkward hairstyles to go along with them.       
  • Mutual friends are what makes the world of Facebook go 'round. Look at your own friend list and find someone who may know the person then search their friend list, it may seem creepy at the moment but you’ll have laughs over it on Facebook chat in a matter of no time. 
  • Search through the “Schools” options by entering the person’s graduation class year. If you’re looking for someone from elementary school you’ll probably have to enter the person’s high school graduation year and look through people who graduated in that class. This is probably the most sure fire trick to finding someone, if they didn’t graduate some kind of higher learning institution, chances are they’re most likely in prison and you should consider yourself lucky you lost touch because there’s a good chance you would have been the one driving the getaway car. 
  • Search geographically. Many people list their hometowns now in their info, although this maybe a long shot, if Timmy grew up to be a successful lawyer like he planned in the 3rd grade it will be completely worth it.

I truly believe if you make a Facebook account, you want to be found, I know I sound like the crazy chick from the movie “The Roomate”, but it is the truth. I always wonder if people turned out the way they seemed when they were just discovering the world around them. The next time someone adds you from your past, you shouldn’t be “creeped” out, you should be honored they care enough to see how life molded you into the person you were meant to become.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Teach Your Dog New Trick- Even Man’s Best Friend Needs a Distraction Now and Then

There are a multitude of external distractions when you have something to important to do, but none can be more downright lovable than your dog. You may think that he or she has learned all that a collie can in the 7 years you’ve owned them (49 in dog years) but I guarantee that there’s more than “roll over” up their sleeve/paw. It’s smart to keep realistic objectives, a bulldog won’t be able to do your physics homework regardless of how hard you teach him but teaching your dog a new trick could bring more benefits than you think.

GUYS- Every girl requires having the smile surgically removed from her face when you show her a picture of a dog, any dog. Start out with a picture on your phone, then move to a video posted online, and soon enough she’ll want to come over and see the new trick in person, which will make you the luckiest guy shopping at Petco.

GIRLS- You have to remember who you’re working with here. Guys like anything that keep their brains amused for more than 3 seconds so even if your dog’s trick isn’t all that fascinating, if you can get him to take his eyes off his Call of Duty game, you’ve already won. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

Invent A New Drinking Game, Get To It Later When You're Sober

Playing quarters is for your parents generation, beer pong lost its excitement after your senior year in high school, and flip cup- let’s face it was never all that interesting to begin with, so what better to do before studying for your psychology test- invent a new drinking game. Here are some tips to help you future Alexander Graham Bells get started:  

  • Never ruling out any of the wildest possibilities that enter your mind. If your roommate wants to fill his baseball cleats with beer as step one of the game- let him, funneling didn’t come from the mind of someone who was thinking within the box.
  • Invite as many people over as possible to help you brainstorm. Diverse groups are known to form the most creative ideas and if you want this game to spread to basements around the country it should be something people will find a good enough excuse to base a party around.
  • Don’t limit yourself to alcohol. If milk is your drink of choice knock yourself out, the ultimate goal is to have a good time, which doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be passed before you can finish making up the rest of the rules.
  •  Work with what you have. Simplicity is king when it comes to innovation, a carpenter never blames his tools and you shouldn’t be limited by a lean budget. If your props cost more than the libations you're filling them with you probably need to re-evaluate your approach.

Have fun and be safe. The  recreational drinkers of the world are counting on you.